Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
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Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now