Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
You Might Also Like
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
This forever.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.