Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.