Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Risking my life for fun.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!