*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Basketball games are very squeaky.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
No, he would not have.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
the three branches of government
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*