first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
fr
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.