I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids