I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.