Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Worst bar ever.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly