My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Blew my mind.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?