*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*