Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
brian had himself a morning…
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
#Caturday