ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
You Might Also Like
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Am I having a stroke?