My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
#oldknees
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
one last job
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.