[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”