Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
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Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Always…
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore