Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.