Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Whoa 😂
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…