The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Said the murderer.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?