Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You Might Also Like
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*