Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice