Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.