The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
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[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Birds & Planes.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it