My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
man: wait
time: no
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”