The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.