I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.