Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party