I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??