I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
😂💯
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.