Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
You Might Also Like
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Phones down.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
im all 3
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.