TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’