ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
sir, my pâté if you please
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws