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I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Sorry folks, Twitter鈥檚 broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I鈥檓 assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 馃槀
Try a craft you鈥檝e never done so you can get mad at a person you鈥檝e never met.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they鈥檙e on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
AM I BEING GASLIT????
gf: we can鈥檛 have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you鈥檙e bothering neil patrick-carrots
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
i’ve found my new favorite subculture