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They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Why does laundry happen to good people?