How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Does beer think about me too?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Respect
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.