Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
So the ex texted me
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.