“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Running from your problems is cardio .
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs