Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this