I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.