*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”