If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free