Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.