judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.