me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Simple
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight