Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*seductively eats two tums*
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.