If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
my mind
You just read my mind
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.