My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
When I snag the last meatball.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”