Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.