Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.