Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Happy Febuary everyone!
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Sharon, call the vet